We all need to decompress sometimes. Usually I can do so by completing a few rounds on Mass Effect 3’s multiplayer. But every so often, a week is so full of stress and responsibilities that I need a bit more than simulated space combat to successfully get my brain back to its natural, pudding-like state. Luckily, I rediscovered a box set of DVD’s that I purchased way back when DVD’s were the new shit. Yes, let it be known that among my very first DVD purchases was Full Moon pictures’ Puppet Master series. I don’t even want to think of how much I paid for it (this was back when one DVD sold for like, 25 bucks, and I worked in the mall…), but I had to have it at that point in my life (high school). You see, once when my brother and I were younger, we managed to rent ourselves copies of Puppet Master and Puppet Master II. We watched them both back to back, and, due to the fact that we were both young and impressionable, we thought that they were badass (well, I thought they were badass. I’m not sure what my brother’s first impressions were).
Upon rediscovering this nostalgic gem, I decided to make watching it in its entirety a part of my weekly decompression ritual. Here’s what happened (and did I mention the box set consists of SEVEN movies? Yeah, that’s right)….
Puppet Master: Nazis! The Bodega Bay Inn! Puppet POV shots! Old man suicide! Psychics! Dead friend (or is he?)! Weird and unecessary sex scenes! Grown men being overpowered by tiny dolls! That one has a drill for a head! This one has knives for hands! What? That one pukes up leeches? Gross! Reanimation (he wasn’t dead)! Green blood, as opposed to red! Ending?
Puppet Master II: Grave digging! Cattle mutilations! Hillbillies! In California? More, different psychics! What? A new puppet? Why, he has a flame thrower hand! Head stab, followed by improvised brain surgery! Wait, psychics? Mysterious bandage-faced man! Bandages come off…oh! It’s the guy who shot himself in the first one! Well preserved! Man-sized puppet body? Soul transferrance! Wait, woman-sized puppet body? I fell asleep! Woke up…how did the woman puppet come to life! Winnebago!
Puppet Master III: The past! WWII! More, different Nazis! Six-armed cowboy puppet! Hitler puppet gets shot! Kids laugh! Nazis rage! Random nudity! Sex scene with old Nazi man! Puppet six-gun attack! Oh! Puppets=dead Jewish friends! Pale Gestapo dude! Meat hooks! Wha?
Puppet Master 4: Lack of roman numerals! Psychics? No! Scientists! Robotics! Oh! I get it! Egyptian demon god! Mini-demon puppets! Smarmy 1990’s guy! Psychic girlfriend! Puppet discovery! Killing? Yes! But, no? Evil puppets turn good! Puppet on puppet battles! Cheesy dialogue!
Puppet Master 5: More Egyptian terror! Same main guy! Rick! Omega project? Decapitron! Frankenstein-like reanimation scene! Puppet on puppet electrocutions! Close up on Rick! Ending!
Curse of the Puppet Master: College! Roadside attraction! Shy gas station attendant! Bullies! Old man vs. young man! Recruitment! Weird dreams! Sexual frustration! Bullies! Crotch stab! Puppet/human hybrid! Stock footage!
Retro Puppet Master: Awful accents! He was French? Old sorcerer! Pursued by mummies! His friends die? No! Soul transferrance! Wooden puppets? Dangerous! Who cares anymore!
And there you have it. The things I go through for brain decompression.